Of Dinosaurs and Motorcades
The arrival of the President of Cuba – and the attendant, umm, modifications to Windhoek traffic – has me thinking.
Very Important People are generally transported in motorcades in this country. Part of it is an acknowledgement of their status as Very Important People, and another aspect is the secure transoportation of the Very Important Person And His Or Her Retinue (I add the words ‘or her’ as a courtesy, although I have known no females to be transported in this way; perhaps that is something that can be addressed also).
However I would fail in my duty as a pundit and general heckler if I failed to point out a few issues with motorcades in general, and hopefully offer a few solutions so that Very Important People and Less Important People can co-exist peacefully.
At the outset, I am going to say nothing about the inconvenience caused to other traffic users by motorcades. You nay-sayers should be ashamed of yourselves for moaning. You have no idea what it’s like being Such A Very Important Person That Being Late Is Not An Option. Traffic lights, taxis, pedestrians, lowly plebes: all these obstacles must not be allowed to impede the progress of Such A Load Of Importance. Anyway, admit it: you wouldn’t mind having a security detail cut a swathe through Windhoek’s taxis and sundry traffic abusers yourself.
No, I’m going to address a few other aspects of motorcades, in the hopes that my thoughts are taken up by the higher ups, in order to improve the motorcade experience for Really Really Ridiculously Important People even further.
There, I said it: the security threat that dare not speak its name. We’ve all seen Jurassic Park, and we know the amount of damage these highly intelligent predators can do. Am I the only person who has seriously given any thought to the grave threat posed by Velociraptors to motorcades?
Velociraptors, as we all know, are sneaky, and they wouldn’t attack a motorcade from the front; they would wait for the motorcycles and the first few cars and trucks full of security detail, and then simply tear straight into the Very Important But Rather Imperilled Person in the main car, which often helpfully has a flag attached. They would attack in groups of no less than twelve, immediately piling onto the main car, causing chaos, tearing through the armoured metal plating like a hot knife through wet butter on a warm summer night.
They would tear open the roof, leering down at the Very Important And Now Terrified Person within, their hot, foetid, saurian saliva dripping down into the luxuriously appointed interior, spoiling the polished walnut trim and the soft Corinthian leather. Finally the lead Velociraptor would dive into the car, which may have stopped moving on account of being entirely covered in throbbing predatory muscle, and bite the head off the Very Important But Insufficiently Protected Person Who Is Now Spewing Gouts Of Blood All Over The Chauffeur. The velociraptors would bellow a trumpet of triumph, and dash off into the bush, where the VIP protection unit’s vehicles cannot easily follow.
A few ideas spring to mind which may help avert this gruesome eventuality.
One notion is that motorcades must be disguised as part of the ordinary flow of traffic, travelling in nondescript cars, obeying the speed limit, staying on the left, and so forth. Velociraptors, on the prowl for their favourite prey, stand a good chance of being confused by this cunning disguise. However that would necessitate subjecting Very Important People to the indignities that consist in day-to-day traffic. This notion is clearly not acceptable.
A better idea: Motorcades must travel only on roads specially designed to prevent Velociraptor attack. I suggest building strong, high walls on either side of the road, at least three metres high, and then covering the whole with a thick concrete roof. The resulting tunnel can then be exclusively reserved for motorcades. It may then be convenient to build a conventional road on top, which expendable plebians may use, in order to distract the Velociraptiors, and con them into believing that there is no motorcade. The thus disguised road may become even more inconspicuous if it is buried, and the decoy road built on top, to make it look as though the Motorcade Road isn’t even there!
An additional advantage for the motorcade in this scenario is that there are no plebes taking up valuable road-space at all, significantly improving the safety margin, especially for the motorcycle outriders, who can now focus on what they are doing.
Eventually, the entire world can be interconnected with VIP warrens, so that the International Imperialist Velociraptor Conspiracy will never see any VIPs, and hopefully eventually just die of hunger.
Now, critics of my scheme (who in my opinion lack vision) may point out some flaws, but I have anticipated a few of them already.
Firstly there is the expense of building and maintaining an international warren of VIP tunnels. My suggestion is that the money should come out of a communal fund to which each person in the world contributes, in direct proportion to the number if motorcade kilometres they themselves travel. This way, for example, a person who does not make use of any motorcade facilities is not liable at all, whereas someone who travels only in a motorcade is liable for a much greater proportion.
Secondly, some may say that velociraptors’ main diet consisted of slow-moving dinosaurs, and I’d have to respond, “Precisely.”